Have you ever had that moment where the thing that defined you was suddenly gone. (looks out of the window with a cold thoughtful gaze)
Well I did.
You see, I was considered publicly, in church and at school, one of the smart kids. Now I was not considered “the smartest girl” in either setting, but I was considered above average. I had glasses for most of my school career, was considered the teachers pet in 4th grade and had a parent give me a random box, because I “looked smart,” like I could, “figure out something to make with it.” So it seemed like it was a bit obvious that I would go to college.
I thought that it would be best for me to start looking for a job, but my father disagreed; I still had financial aid left… and time. Thus the next mundane step for such a studious student would be graduate school. Ah yes, a masters program.
… now what?
Getting employed! Everyone will want me because I have an advanced degree right? (looks worried)
Let me put it to you this way; the jobs that would call me for interviews before I had finished my Masters have not called.
So with that, the student who was known for being bright and smart had nothing to tell anyone when they asked what she was doing; I mean, you can only say “I got my Masters” so many times before it starts sounding like saying “I have a brilliant personality” during a job interview. Also, I could not find a doctoral program nearby that offered what I wanted as well as something that my parents would approve. I wanted to be able to wear a “trust me, I’m a doctor t-shirt” To my ten year reunion, because I had nothing to
brag talk about, otherwise. That, among other things, hurt my pride. I did not realize that I had any pride ’til it was damaged. I was, in my eyes, useless.
Fast forward, five months later. I am writing this blog. That time of my life showed me that I was a pretty hollow shell of a person, pretty much living safely and for others (and doing poorly at it, might I add.) Just like I hid behind my glasses without knowing it for years, I was hiding behind my meager educational status for longer.
Meh, now things are better. Interestingly enough, it seems like I have learned more in these five months than, well, most of my educational career.
Later and blessings.